Relationship Is about Learning

Your experience of close relationship will probably be extremely important in discovering WHO you are.  In close relationship each partner can serve as a mirror to the other so that ego, games, and manipulations can be unveiled.  If there is clarity of mind, willingness to learn, honesty, and compassion, relationship can help you sort out and let go of the plots and ploys you've learned and refined.  Of course, without clarity, when ego is running the show, it's nearly impossible to learn quickly and change.  Rather, there is a resistance to change that usually results in abuse and suffering.  Frequently, divorce will not change the way people live and love.  They will fall back into the same choices and patterns that destroyed their previous relationships.  Counseling may or may not help depending on the level of awareness of the counselor and the degree to which the principals agree to be honest and ready to look at their own patterns and manipulations.

People often prefer to share their life with another for a variety of reasons.  A frequently voiced reason is that they are looking for their other "half" as though another person will complete them, that the other will fill a void in them.  This can be expressed in a  "mathematical" expression: 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4.  Wholeness cannot  come from two incomplete people joining in a partnership.  Often the outcome is disastrous.  Of course, if one is abusive and the other is committed to playing victim there will be a modicum of satisfaction in that they help each other play out their roles.  If they get along well  they still might not help each other move to clarity and wholeness.  That's OK, too.  There is no right or wrong.  Just experience.  Sooner or later they'll get the picture and change themselves and/or their partner.  

The purpose of relationship is, in part, is to gain experience in the rough and tumble of the Earth journey.  Certainly, from relationship may come children and family, new forms of experience that are full of still more challenges and satisfactions.  Underlying the preference for relationship is also sexual expression and play.  Not only vital for bonding and children, sexual expression has the potential to discover "Oneness," if only in human form.  But it's a portal to another reality, to the next step in human evolution.  This has been hinted at in the teaching of the Tantra, both in the Orient and among some Native American people.

Dating More Than One Person at a Time

"Am I wrong to go out with different guys in order to choose the right person?"  I'm a visitor from another country and new in this area (in US) then I decided to make friends with the people here. I met some Americans through internet and I decided to go out with them. I go out with them once in a while and always with different guys even though I still have contacts with all the guys who had been out with me. We only went out as friends and we did nothing more than just friends (not even holding hands, only talking). My reason for doing this is because I feel kinda homesick and lonely to be new in this area. Do you think that I'm wrong and will I look bad in front of people if I keep going out with different men? I want to have a steady but well it's a hard decision and I think by going out with different men, I will be able to find my true soul mate. What do you guys think about this?

White Eagle Soaring: Never is it wrong to date several different people. I am always looking for a different person, no matter who I am with.  You are looking for someone who is special, aren't you?  What other people think about this is totally irrelevant.  It's your life and you have the freedom to do with it as you wish.  Experiencing life is why you are here and through experience you can become a more mature person. If you are prepared to learn from your experiences, that is .  There are no mistakes because it is all for your learning and maturing as a human being.  Yours is a way of wisdom.  Take courage that your inner feeling is correct and one day you will soar with the white eagle.  Your soul mate is worth the time and patience.  Besides, there is never time wasted.  More on that....

And, by the way, make good use of your time alone to get to know WHO YOU are.  Discover the wonder of you and use your quiet times to go inside to find your peaceful center and your own power.  It's rather like dating yourself. 

I was fortunate to have been pulled free of my first marriage. We had come to a point at which we had little in common except a history and three kids. The youngest was in his last year of high school when I left. I had held on for 29 years, some of them OK and for most of them I was very much alone. I had several interesting relationships after that and through them I learned much about myself and my Earth journey.

The journey has been full of wonderment and marvels none of which I would trade for anything. I began my journey on the fast track when I finally drew up the courage to separate and eventually divorce the mother of my children. She now has a wonderful husband who delights in doing the same things she does. They are both fine human beings and happy with each other. I had grown in a much different direction, a path I didn't even know existed until it just showed up in my life.

I've discovered that the earth journey is about experiencing with near abandon, not with expectations but with an openness to live and learn. When I let go, many glorious experiences came to me. When you are ready to really let go, perhaps that will happen for you, too. I had worried about not being attractive enough to find another mate. That was quickly shown to be a self-imposed limitation. I was in my early 50's when I finally let go of my fears. I lived a part of my life then that I was not ready to live when I was young. I had discovered my inner song and danced life to a new rhythm and beat. I had also been forced to search for a new way to earn an income three years before the time came to let go the marriage.

The path was not smooth. I even married a Viennese woman who I thought understood the path of heart. That was the name she chose for both of us when we married. It felt perfect and then it quickly became very clear the name was very wrong for her. But even that was perfect because it was with her that I learned how to use the computer and the internet. She had three computers and internet access. She didn't understand the power of the internet and accused me of wasting my time learning. It became clear to me after a few months that I had to leave that marriage, too. On my way to Wuppertal, I studied a web-marketing course that has opened a whole new way to earn a living and share insights and wisdom with others.

Pieces of the puzzle finally came together when I met my mate on a personals site and we clicked right away. It would have been difficult to find each other had it not been for the internet. This world is very big place and the one with whom you are to do your next stage of learning might not be in your country or in your city. Perhaps s/he is in Australia or the USA. Now we have the means to bridge such chasms. Tell who you really are and how you would like to meet a compatible mate. Just remember that you are not too old. I'm sure that you will find that there are many very interesting mates of a broad range of ages, interests, talents and experiences who would love to meet you, one who has many interesting aspects, talents and experiences.

Who knows what tomorrow might bring. Clearly the important learning for me is to live freely without expectations, experience life fully and let spirit work without my ego getting in the way. The only commitment that is appropriate is to be yourself, let life happen, and listen to the quiet voice in the heart. If you commit to another, you are placing an expectation on the natural path of spirit. If it is to be, it will follow naturally that it will be. All you need to do is allow yourself to be natural and organic, a playful spirit being with feet on the earth and head in the stars with a heart negotiating the bridge between them. Or not. Even hope is an expectation. Let go of the framework of your world and soar free. If you wish.

Perhaps this can be of use to you, but I hold no expectations.

The Need for Intimacy with YourSelf

I'm 35 years old and broke up with my first real boyfriend 3 years ago after a 6 year relationship, as expected I was upset. At the time I was doing a course and had fallen behind, one of the students offered to help, eventually we became friends, then started an affair. I've now been seeing him for 3 years, he is married with a family - the youngest child is five years old. The problem is that I don't love him or even find him attractive anymore - I haven't for the past 2 years. During this time I have had affairs behind his back. Because I live in an expensive part of the country I was having problems paying the rent, so my married boyfriend decided to rent and pay for the flat I'm living in now. I can't afford to move, also if I left him I wouldn't have anyone at all - because I'm shy I find it difficult to go out and make friends, I suppose I'm a loner. I've thought I could turn to the net for help. I meet one person and had a relationship with him for 3 months, but all he did was use me for sex then left when he felt like something new - I won't use that option again. My boyfriend said he does love me but can and will never leave his little girl - not that I want him to. If anyone can give me some advice I'd be most grateful as I am so unhappy with my life.

White Eagle Soaring: You’ve already discovered that you’ve been used.  You know it doesn’t feel very good.  Paying your bills by having sex with someone you don’t even like doesn’t feel very good either, does it?  There are other options for paying the rent such as roommates, housemates, oper or nanny, senior in home care and senior companionship….the list is only limited by your imagination.  Look first to your basic needs of food, shelter, and safety.  And self-respect and self love.  Do you love yourself or must you have an intimate relationship to feel good?  You might have deeper problems of self-esteem and self-worth.  Take some time for yourself and go into the dark places of your memory that you resist examining.  There you will probably find your answer and only you can find that place and love the Self that was abused or mistreated.  Hug it and give it all of your love and attention for 5-10 minutes or however long it feels necessary.  You are never alone.  You have yourself to love.  And there's a lot more there than you might guess. When you can do a good job of that, all of the rest is simple.  Find yourself and the intimate love you wish will show up—maybe on the Internet (but don't count on getting a good one).  Get involved with life.  It’s too beautiful to not enjoy the experience.

Trust and True Intimacy

I recently discovered that my boyfriend of 2 years 'met' in person with a couple of ladies who were "internet pen-pals". He assured me that he did not have sex with them, he said he was just curious to 'see' those girls he had been talking to. He swears that it will not happen again because he knows that it upset me, and he loves "me" only...I decided to forgive him, but I don't know...there's been a breach of trust here, also he lied to me before (about other things), and I feel quite uneasy, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him again. Do you think I did the right thing or am I just a fool...?

White Eagle Soaring: He apparently isn’t ready to make a commitment and he needs more time to explore.  Tell him that it would be OK with you to give him the freedom to look around some more.  And you will, too. You really can't build a  deeply intimate relationship without trust.  Still, if he really loves you he will have very little time to "shop around."  He will want to share every part of his life, every detail, every thought with you.  That’s intimacy.  Sex is a joyous ecstasy that is possible when there is true intimacy.  Otherwise it is an individual function between two or more people.  You don’t need to settle for that..  You can choose.   

Bawaudjigaeaun wae-ondji manitouwiyaun. In Ojibwe this means, "To dreams I owe the mystery."